Where I am Right Now

I've been thinking about this lately for two reasons.

1. God is speaking to me about this

2. It's presenting itself here on the blog.

You see, the thing is, I am quite selfish. Always have been. Prefer doing what I want when I want the way I want. And I tend to get cranky when that doesn't happen.

This is our third year of homeschooling. And for the first two years I did the minimum requirements. I just got by.

Why?

Because I was acting on my selfishness. I didn't want to do school work. I didn't want to grade papers. I didn't want to spend time with my children teaching them things I wasn't interested in.

I wanted to do what I wanted to when I wanted to the way I wanted to.

And basically, while I am convinced that homeschooling our children is God's desire for Babione6, I really didn't want to do it.

Oh, I wanted to talk about it, plan it, think about it, put up the facade about loving it, but when it came time to actually do it, I didn't want to. And so I was cranky. Cranky toward my children mostly and occasionally toward my spouse. And I started to not really like myself.

So, here's the rub. Hubs and I went to a conference the beginning of August. And since then, God has been speaking to me about taking up my cross. In the grand scheme of things, is homeschooling your children really a cross to bear? Probably not, but for me it represents laying down my own desires and dreams. All that I thought I would do in this life and all that I want to spend my time doing. It's laying down my life. And instead choosing His life for me.

And that is why you have been bombarded with our homeschooling on the blog. I am simply trying to take up my cross, and walk in obedience.

Not that showing our daily life on this blog is walking in obedience. But that is all I have to post about bc I am desperately trying to choose God's will over my own. Honestly, I am spending triple the amount of time on preparation and teaching than I did the first two years. And the kicker...

I'M LOVING IT. But that's really no surprise. I am just floored at how easily and often we (me) believe the lie that God's will is bad. That it is always painful and hard and miserable. That by giving up my own desires and taking on His, my life is going to be awful. That I'm going to miss something.

Lie. Lie. Lie.

LIES!

So, that is where I am right now. Taking up my cross (however small it may be) and finding joy and satisfaction I hadn't known while having a death grip on my own will. Finding a renewed relationship with my children and a renewed love of learning.

And a renewed desire to know Jesus more.

Because He is so worth it,

and our very great reward.

Bridget