I refuse!

Tomorrow is my 29th birthday. While I'm not overly excited, I'm not dreading it. Some of my friends who are already in their thirties are having a blast and so I am looking forward to entering this new stage of my life. No, I'm not there yet, but I'm close. And therefore I'm thinking about it.

This next part is hard for me to say, and I feel silly writing it, but I feel like I'm supposed to.

When I was in high school I told people when asked that what I wanted to do when I grew up was sing. But thinking back I'm not sure I ever believed God was going to let me. When I went to college I chose to rebel and faced the consequences of my rebellion. I assumed that for sure now my chances of God using me this way were over. Of course, I occasionally let myself hope, but deep down I expected nothing. I stopped telling people that was my dream and starting looking for another way to serve the Lord.

In the summer of 2004 I was asked by our then Pastor what I wanted to do and before I could think about my answer I replied, "I want to sing." From that point on God started fanning the flames of my desire and began opening doors. My husband and I began leading the contemporary worship at our church and I was lead singer. The road was hard and sometimes the only thing that got me up there was focusing on Jesus, but I loved it.

Last summer God called us to leave that church, move back to RC's hometown and not have a leadership role in church. Our opportunity for music seemed to be diminishing, but as time has gone on God has still opened doors, provided much encouragement, and spoke very clearly to me that this is it. The reason I am writing this to you all is because I find myself still battling doubt.

Is God really commissioning me to do what my heart most desires?
What if I fail?
I'm not even close to the best singer out there. What if no one else believes?
What do I have to offer?

The last question is the only one I can answer: JESUS. I think God has been bringing me to this point the last ten years. In my Bible study we just learned about the spoken word and how much power it contains. More so than thoughts. I know I'm taking this verse out of context somewhat, but God has been telling me to SPEAK THIS. In 2 Corinthians 4:13 it says: It is written "I believed; therefore I have spoken." (Psalm 116:10) With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak.

So I am CHOOSING to believe God and speak.

Something else I must speak. This past Sunday was intense at church. The Spirit of the Lord was near and it was good!!! God spoke a Word over our congregation and asked us to respond. The response God wanted from me was to go down to the front of the church during prayer/ministry time. This is not easy for me. I can ask for prayer in small groups, specifically life group, but going to the front of the church is not something I do often. I finally decided that I wanted what God was offering more than my own comfort so I went down. Without something specific to ask prayer for I just started praying and telling God that I was believing Him to give me what He said He would if I would just step out and come down. A friend came down and started praying for me. God kept telling her "RELEASE". I believe that God is releasing me from some strongholds and that He is releasing His purpose for my life. I believe; therefore I speak.

I know that sharing these things is an invitation for attack from Satan. He wants none of this, but I also know that I am NOT going to live my life in unbelief. I refuse!!! And if I have to make a fool of myself so be it. I already have been experiencing freedom from the strongholds of overeating and anger and I KNOW that God has set me free! In Joshua 6:2 God tells Joshua "See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands, along with its king and its fighting men." God tells Joshua this BEFORE they even begin marching around Jericho. God tells Joshua that the victory isn't coming, it's IN HIS HANDS! God has told me the same thing and I am choosing to believe it! The victory is in my hands! Glory to God!

I say all of this for two reasons:
1. I feel God wants me to. (I've tried to quit multiple times tonight and can't)
2. God wants to say to all of you "The victory is in your hands! See what Jesus sees! Look with eyes of faith and go conquer!!!"

I have so much more to say, but can't seem to get it out so I will just leave it at this.
Good night and love to all.