Perfectionism...and the havoc it wreaks

I'm not really sure where this post is going. I have a few ideas but I'm not sure how they will all connect. So, here we go...

This morning during the music part of our corporate worship I realized I hadn't posted lately about what God is doing in my life. I'm going to be honest with you, painfully actually, that the thought came to me because a few of the people I worship with read this blog and I wondered what they were thinking about me.

Please, don't roll your eyes just yet.

Praise God, (and I say that with all seriousness and sincerity) that I quickly realized that SELF was showing up in a big way. And in the middle of worship none the less.

First, I can promise you that they weren't thinking about ME, or this here blog. They were in no way, shape, or form wondering what was going on in my life and thinking that I must be backslidden because I hadn't posted anything about God lately. But that is what self does. Thinks everything is about ME.

Please hear me: I KNOW THAT EVERYTHING ISN'T ABOUT ME.

I'm just being honest with my experience hoping that my honesty resonates with others, if even just one, and points them to Christ.

So...this afternoon I asked God what I could share about that He has been doing in my life lately for the SOLE PURPOSE of blessing and encouraging others.

And this is what I heard in my spirit:
Perfectionism

Here's my story:

Two or three years ago my Mema sent me a book titled Healing for Damaged Emotions by Dr. David A. Seamands. My first response was, "I don't need to read this book." So it sat on my shelf.

Well, about three months ago, my Mema sent me an email asking if I still had the book and had read it yet. She also mentioned that she would get me another copy if I didn't have it anymore. I didn't email her back right away. Honestly, it wasn't on my bookshelves and I was afraid I had given it to the library with a lot of other books before we moved.

However, like two weeks later, I invited myself to be a part of my friend's garage sale. I just grabbed some boxes out of our storage unit and took them to her house. That Saturday morning a lady tried to buy the book. I apologized profusely, explaining that my Mema had just asked me about this book and I couldn't possibly sale it at this garage sale knowing my Mema would want to buy me another one. At this point I still didn't think I needed to read it but was thinking I might, just for a clear conscience.

During that time I was reading a book, off and on, called The Reason for My Hope by Charles Stanley. I can't remember how many days later, it might have been the next day or it might have been a few days later, I picked up this book and this is the quote just six small paragraphs in: "One area in which many people need healing is in the area of old memories and past hurts. They are living with diseased emotions that keep them from embracing their potential." p. 179 Well, first of all the tag line of the damaged emotions book is: Recovering from the memories that cause our pain. Second of all, I want nothing more than to reach my potential for Christ. To hear Him say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." is my heart's desire. So if something is keeping me from it, it has to go. And third of all, I knew this was God's way of telling me it was His will for me to read this book.

What God showed me through this book was not at all what I expected.

I had never thought I was a perfectionist. I didn't clean until it was perfect. In fact, quite the opposite. I didn't expect everything around me to be perfect and keep at something until it was perfect. But God showed me that my definition of perfectionism was far too limited. My perfectionism was less external and more internal. First, I expected spiritual perfection. I knew I couldn't reach it, but I was supposed to get darn close. Even more, I assumed others expected this of me, too. And I was convinced that God wasn't going to ever allow me to do big things with Him until I was almost perfect. Second, my perfectionism was causing me to be perpetually depressed. Not the can't function, need medication kind. That kind is real and I am not making light of it. But I was experiencing the not really looking forward to anything, just doing what I absolutely have to do to get by kind. This book showed me how perfectionism is a proponent of depression. Lastly, I expected perfection in a few people around me. The people who really are supposed to receive the most grace from me. My family. My husband and my children bore the brunt of it.

Now, I'm sure you can imagine that this didn't always make for happy relationships. I'm not saying that our marriage was falling apart and my children were miserable, but had this been left unchecked it would not have been good. Frankly, my perfectionism was wearing them out and God wanted them to have a break. And, in His mercy, He wanted me to have one, too.

The havoc that perfectionism was wreaking on my life was bigger than I realized AND completely unneccessary. I can see now how there is no way to reach your full potential in Christ with a perfectionist attitude. And I am so grateful to God for showing me this. His purpose is never to condemn. It is always to heal.

So, I would like to recommend this book to you if any of this resonates. I have linked to it multiple times so just click on any of them.

I also need to add, as if this post isn't long enough already, that being free from perfectionism is nothing like I imagined. It is so much more. While it takes time to break habits, there is a level of freedom that God has granted me and the joy that comes with it is intoxicating. Please, if you're sitting in the same place I was, don't stay there. God has so much more for you. You really don't want to miss it.

I love you all,
Seriously, I do,
Bridget